|
|
 |
TREKCORE >
DS9
> EPISODES >
PROFIT AND LACE >
Synopsis
Episode Synopsis by Tracy Hemenover
Quark, in his bar, is talking to one of his newer Dabo girls, Aluura,
who has received glowing reviews from everyone for her efficiency and
pleasant attitude. However, Quark thinks she could be nicer...more to
the point, nicer to him. He gives her a PADD containing a book entitled
Oo-mox For Fun and Profit, which he tells her to read (with a veiled
threat of firing her).
At that moment, a panicked Rom races in, telling Quark he can't contact
their mother -- or the Tower of Commerce, or in fact anyone at all on
Ferenginar. Quark finally goes with him to Ops, where their fears of a
Dominion invasion of Ferenginar ("Think of the terrible repercussions to
the Alpha Quadrant!" "I cannot think of any," rumbles Worf) are met with
skepticism. After all, there are no reports of Dominion activity in that
sector. "Moogie, the Nagus, Cousin Gaila -- they're all dead!" wails
Rom. Then Dax reports that a Ferengi ship is arriving, with Grand Nagus
Zek and Ishka both aboard. Rom perks up. "They're alive! Nice work," he
grins at Sisko, impressed.
Quark and Rom meet Zek and their mother at the airlock, along, of
course, with Maihar'du. The Nagus isn't carrying his staff, a fact that
Quark and Rom don't immediately notice. After greeting her sons, Ishka
tells them, "It's one of those good-news, bad-news type of things." The
good news, according to Zek, is that three days ago he added a new
amendment to the Ferengi Bill of Opportunities, giving females the right
to wear clothing. "That can't be the good news," says Quark, horrified.
"If Ferengi females can wear clothes in public, then they can leave
their homes. If they can leave their homes, they can go to work. If they
can go to work, they can make profit." Zek points out that it's good
business; females are a valuable resource that has gone to waste for far
too long.
"Better tell me the bad news," says Quark grimly. "It might cheer me
up." "I doubt it," Ishka replies. Zek explains that the amendment caused
financial chaos and a communications blackout on Ferenginar because of
all the buying and selling. Quark asks why he's here, in that case.
"I've been deposed," Zek tells him. "I'm no longer Grand Nagus." What's
worse, the new Grand Nagus -- or rather, acting Grand Nagus -- is none
other than Brunt. In three days, the FCA will confirm him in his new
position. But Zek isn't beaten. "Boys, together we're going to reconquer
an empire. Or die in the attempt!"
Quark is obliged to let them stay in his quarters, which Zek declares
"the headquarters of the sole legitimate government of Ferenginar." He
has a secret weapon, he says: Ishka. They will contact every FCA
commissioner and invite them to the station for a meeting, which Ishka
will run. Zek feels that once the commissioners see with their own eyes
how capable she is, they'll agree that his amendment was a good thing,
and reinstate him. Ishka goes even further, predicting that one day a
female will actually become Grand Nagus.
Quark, Rom, and Nog commence calling the FCA commissioners on Zek's
behalf. The results are not encouraging: only one of them agrees to
come. It's Nilva, chairman of Slug-o-Cola ("Drink Slug-o-Cola, the
slimiest cola in the galaxy!"), a very influential voice in the FCA. If
they can convince him, the rest might follow.
Their hopeful mood is broken, however, when Grand Nagus ("that's acting
Grand Nagus!") Brunt arrives, with his own Hupyrian servant, Uri'Lash.
Maliciously, Brunt revels in the ironic fact that it was through helping
to rescue Ishka from the Dominion that he regained his job as a
liquidator, and was able to bribe his way into a position of power. He
also knows all about the upcoming meeting with Nilva, whom, he says, he
will offer double whatever Zek offers him. In response, Quark orders him
out of the bar; Brunt promises to make him a pauper. "Uri'Lash, we're
leaving. Say good-bye to these poor people." The others congratulate
Quark, who looks woozy. "I just kicked the Grand Nagus out of my bar...I
need to lie down."
Quark is doing just that, brooding on Rom's couch, when Ishka comes in
to tell him Zek's waiting for him in the bar; the ex-Nagus wants to play
Tongo. Quark begins to pass from depression to anger. "You're not
fooling me, Moogie. You've been plotting this all along. Ever since you
met Zek, you've been working on him, manipulating him, whispering things
in his ears, things like 'equality for females'." He accuses her of
ruining all their lives, and the argument escalates from there. "I want
my old Nagus back!...I want Zek to be the way he used to be, before he
met you. Before you twisted his thinking with your feminine wiles."
"Before he met me, Zek was a lonely, unhappy man," Ishka fires back.
"But he was rich!" Quark thunders. "He was the most powerful Ferengi
alive. Now what is he? A puppet. And you're the one pulling the strings,
making him dance to your evil, feminist tune. You're the worst thing
that ever happened to Zek. You're the worst thing that ever happened to
me. In fact, you're the worst thing that ever happened to the entire
Ferengi Alliance!" "Maybe I am!" Ishka shouts. "But at least I'm not
like you!" She goes on shouting, then stops midsentence, as if she can't
think of an insult bad enough to hurl at him. After a few moments of
Quark egging her on as she struggles with the word, suddenly Ishka falls
backward onto the floor.
In the infirmary, Quark defends himself to a seething Zek, lying about
how it happened, but neither Zek nor Rom seem convinced. However, when
Bashir emerges from surgery, having just given Ishka a new heart, he
says she'll recover, but she needs complete rest, and she needs to be
kept away from Quark. "All I do know is that she keeps repeating the
same phrase over and over: 'It's all Quark's fault. It's all Quark's
fault.'" "I wonder what she means by that?" Quark asks innocently.
No one buys it, however, and Quark finally confesses all, in the bar.
"Well, if you ask me, Quark, the worst thing that ever happened to the
Ferengi Alliance is you," Zek pronounces in disgust. They can't postpone
the meeting; Brunt's confirmation is in two days. As if conjured, Brunt
appears again to gloat. "Nilva will be arriving tonight, expecting to
meet a brilliant Ferengi female. Do you know any? I mean besides Ishka?
I certainly don't...You see what happens when you put your faith in a
female?" After he leaves, Quark, Rom, and Zek discuss what they can do
to salvage the situation. They'll never be able get another Ferengi
female here before Nilva arrives. "Your mother would never accept
defeat," Zek says. "If she couldn't find another female, she'd --
she'd...She'd make one!" And he doesn't mean a hologram. "What could be
better than a hologram?" asks Quark; Zek looks at him. "You."
Thanks to Bashir, Quark is soon surgically altered to look like a female
Ferengi -- a rather tall, husky-voiced one who has trouble controlling
"her" emotions due to all the unfamiliar hormones in "her" body. (Note:
Enough of this; I'll refer to Quark as "he" from now on.) With Zek and
Maihar'du looking on, Rom and Leeta reassure Quark about his looks,
while Zek gives him Ishka's notes to study before the meeting. Leeta
also tells him he needs to practice his walk. "You're lumbering." Rom
helpfully demonstrates a feminine walk, which causes everyone else to
look at him rather strangely. Quark is increasingly overwhelmed by all
the fussing, and Zek doesn't help by putting a hand on his thigh.
To top it off, Nog bursts in with the news that Nilva has arrived on the
station, early. Quark panics. "I can't meet Nilva now, I'm still
lumbering!" Thinking quickly, Zek tells Nog to escort Nilva to his
quarters, and he'll meet the chairman for dinner tonight. "Tell him that
Ishka is sick, but that tomorrow he'll be meeting with my other female
financial advisor -- " After a moment, he comes up with a name. "Lumba."
When Nog greets Nilva at the airlock, the chairman doesn't want to go to
his quarters. He wants to see Zek right away and meet this female
advisor of his. Nog can only lead the way, trying and failing to
persuade him to go freshen up first. In the corridor, they meet up with
Brunt and Uri'Lash. Brunt takes great joy in informing Nilva that Ishka
is sick in the infirmary. "Which is why you'll be meeting with another
one of Zek's financial advisors," Nog says quickly. "Her name is Lumba."
That throws Brunt, who didn't know there were two Ferengi females on the
station. Nog leads Nilva away.
The others, meanwhile, are still working on Quark, who has managed to
master the walking and sitting. He declares himself to be exhausted, and
is about to go to bed when the door chimes; it's Nilva and Nog. Nilva
looks Quark over. "A clothed female Ferengi, and with your approval, no
less. Either you've been inhaling too much beetle snuff or you're the
greatest visionary ever to sit atop the Tower of Commerce." He has to
leave in the morning, so he proposes having dinner with "Lumba" tonight.
"But Lumba better be all you claim she is, or I'll have to liquidate you
myself." Quark has no choice but to accompany him.
They sit at a table in the bar. "Tell me something," Nilva asks,
"doesn't wearing all those clothes make you feel like a deviant?" "Not
really," Quark replies. "And I'll tell you why. Because under all these
clothes, I know I'm totally naked." He is outwardly poised and relaxed
as he explains to Nilva how allowing females to wear clothing will be
good for the Ferengi economy. After all, with females able to earn
latinum, Ferenginar will expand its work force and consumer base at the
same time. "There'll be plenty of profit for everyone," Nilva says,
getting the point. Quark smiles. "When it comes to profit, I'm your
girl." He then goes on to point out a way that Nilva can increase sales
of Slug-o-Cola: target the female consumer. Nilva is impressed -- a
little too impressed. He suggests having dessert, in his quarters.
Quark's worst fears are confirmed when Nilva gets him alone. The cola
chairman's lobes are hot for "Lumba". Soon he is chasing Quark around a
table, enflamed with lust. Just as he catches his quarry, Brunt rushes
in. "Let go of that man!" He announces to Nilva that "Lumba" is actually
a male named Quark. "How pitiful. Zek must be truly desperate."
"I'm as female as they come," Quark declares. "And I'm going to prove it
to you." He kisses Nilva soundly on the mouth. Nilva still can't quite
decide. So Quark goes for broke. He opens his top, baring himself. Nilva
is convinced. "I tell you, that is not a female!" Brunt insists; Nilva
replies, "Well, she's close enough for me. Come, my dear, let's go tell
Zek that I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure he remains
Grand Nagus...Because that's what Lumba wants." Quark blows Brunt a tiny
little kiss as Nilva leads him away. Brunt is incredulous. "His name's
Quark!"
Sometime later, restored to maleness once again, Quark is sitting at the
bar, toying with a ring Nilva gave him, when Odo comes in. "Poor Nilva.
He's such a lovely man, but so lonely...There was a sweetness to him.
And also a strength. Sometimes he'd get this little glint in his eye..."
Odo is a little taken aback by this very different Quark, who is still
vulnerable and having a hard time composing himself. Tearfully, Quark
asks, "Would you mind giving me a hug?" When Odo nods uncertainly, Quark
launches himself at him and bawls on his shoulder, as Odo gingerly pats
his back (and Morn looks on quizzically).
Zek arrives with Ishka, Rom, and Maihar'du; Odo practically flees. "We
just wanted to say good-bye before we go back to Ferenginar." "Where the
rivers run with muck, and the streets are swarming with happy females,"
Ishka declares. It's only a matter of time now before Zek is reinstated.
Ishka forgives Quark. "You may be a lousy son, but you made a wonderful
daughter. I hope the experience taught you something." "It made me more
compassionate, more empathetic, more nurturing," Quark agrees. "I feel
like I'm trapped in my worst nightmare." After the others leave, Rom
smiles at Quark. "You are so lucky. No man ever gave me a ring."
Then Aluura reappears with the book, which she has read. However,
Quark's attitude has changed. He tells her to forget that trash, and
what he said before. He even gives her a raise. Aluura seems
disappointed; oo-mox actually sounded like fun to her. When she goes
away, Quark has another change of heart. "What am I saying? Aluura,
wait!"
|
